My life changed this week, over the course of a single hour. I’ve been struggling on a lot of fronts. I was sick of my life, there wasn’t a single area where I didn’t feel stuck, frustrated or downright lonely and whatever I did, nothing ever changed. The only common denominator across all these areas of my life is me, so I realised that if I wanted change, it had to start with me. That’s how I hit on the idea of hypnotherapy and a lot of googling of the efficacy and how to avoid the snake oil merchants, I found Project Rewire and booked an appointment.
I’ve been working very hard on my health and my happiness for a long time. I exercise regularly, cook all my meals from scratch, only drink on special occasions and limit caffeine. I get plenty of fresh air, drink lots of water, take my supplements, meditate and get a good night’s sleep. In short, I live a tediously wholesome life. In addition, I have a whole bag of my own personal tricks, from diving headfirst into a book to taking myself to the cinema or getting regular manicures just so one part of me feels polished.
I didn’t know if hypnotherapy could help. I felt like so many things were wrong that it might be too diffuse an issue. I mean, maybe I’m just a loser. Early in the session it was clear that all the trauma from recent years that I’ve been holding on to was suffocating me. Those who know me well know what it took out of me when my Mum was unwell, particularly before doctors would accept what my sister and I knew was happening. The stress of it is likely to be what brought on my hypothyroidism, and I had an uphill struggle getting a diagnosis for that, too.
I don’t how to explain the session. It happened over zoom, and over the course of an hour I managed to lay down that burden – all the stress, all the fear and all that armour built up so that I wouldn’t ever break, because at times my Mum’s life depended on it. After the session, I cried – the first time I’ve cried in years. I thought, now the work begins to start again, but it turned out that profound relief was just the start of the story.
All those things I’ve been doing that I mentioned earlier? I hadn’t been feeling any benefits from them, I just ploughed on because it wasn’t actively hurting me, and it kept me busy so that I didn’t slip into depression. It turns out that I wasn’t just keeping hold of the heavy weight of those tough days, I was keeping everything down. The next morning, I felt so awake, so alive, that I couldn’t stay in bed. I went for a walk around the harbour with a coffee just for the joy of it.
That evening, I went to my exercise classes. I genuinely believed that all the talk of endorphins being released during exercise was either only for sporty people, or it was something sporty people made up to make mere mortals feel bad. It turns out those endorphins were just another thing trapped under the weight of my past and suddenly, everything seemed different. I have been attending those classes for years and in all that time, I’ve never felt anything other than progressively more tired. I used to look at other people and wonder how they seemed to build more energy as the class went along while I just struggled to get to the end. I thought it was just me being lazy, or somehow useless. Now I get it, and I get why those classes build to a big finale track which previously just used to feel like spite.
A moment of appreciation here for Mel’s exercise classes. If you’re local to Chichester, I recommend checking them out. I’ve been a regular for years because the classes are so positive, the music is great and Mel has such kind, inclusive energy that it infects the whole group. I’ve made friends with some very cool people at those classes. I used to go every week to see those ladies, to enjoy excellent music at the volume it should be played (loud enough that people can’t hear you singing along), all accompanied by disco lights. When I started going, I would be worn out before the warmup track had finished. I’ve slowly built up my strength and stamina and I felt supported all the way. You’ll never find a class that is more fun, or more kind. Trust me, I’ve been coasting through those classes for a long time on vibes alone.
The next morning, I ran faster than I ever have. I’ve been running three mornings a week for a year and like the classes, I hadn’t ever felt any mental health benefits beyond the abstract satisfaction of the fresh air or watching the slowly changing seasons. I got by with a curated playlist and the running apps Zombies, Run and Marvel Move, which interrupts periodically to continue a serialised story that gives you little missions. I kept going because I wanted to know what happens next the same way you tune into a favourite TV series. I’m pretty sure that I’ll always be more motivated by stories than how fast I’m running, but I’m grateful for the extra joy that has been injected into those early starts.
All these changes have been a revelation, and of course it’s crossed my mind to wish that I’d gone for hypnotherapy sooner or that those things that weighed so heavily on my had never happened. For the former, I do believe things happen when they’re meant to. I had to hit a point when I was ready to let go. I can’t be too sorry about how I reacted to my situation either because, right or wrong, I saved my Mum’s life. I also see the last few years when I’ve been trying to claw my way out of those dark days in a different light. Yes, it is a shame that I didn’t get the benefit of everything I’d been doing sooner, but how incredible that I was so tenacious that I kept going despite that. That’s a powerful foundation for the future. My life is by no means “fixed” after one hour, but I see myself and each challenge in a different light and I feel hope because of all I’ve done up to now.
There’s also the fact that I find it all quite funny. Life is full of surprises and moments of wonder in amongst the hardships and disappointments. I’ve been clinging on to my mental health by my sparkly fingernails. I never had it on my bingo card that the things that made the great weight bearable and kept me holding on would be disco lights, zombies… and Clutch.